He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
