her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
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you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
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Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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