she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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