tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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