The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
