Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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