pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
