Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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