If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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