She is in my trunk
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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