but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
