toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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