Only a mothe r could love this liver
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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