I can text with my tongue
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
