i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
