He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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