the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
