I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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