Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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