Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
