She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
