the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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