Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
