man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
