I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..