Your face is a jimmy john
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.