I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap