I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
