just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
