I looked at my own cervix.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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