wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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