I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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