Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
