Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
