This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
