"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
