It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
