My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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