official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
