He asked me if I "almost moaned"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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