Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
