you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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