Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
