My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
