I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
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hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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