Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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