I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
