shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
