On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
