we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
