it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
