guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
