Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
