my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Four minutes until I can fart!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
