No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drunk is not a location!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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