I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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