her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
