well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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