he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just threw up on my dentist
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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