i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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