I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
All I want is dick and wine.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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