Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
